I lost my virginity to a guy that I love with all of my heart.  The first person that I let into various parts of my life, the first person that I gave my heart to.

 

I’m 18 and I can’t help feeling so young, but at the same time I feel so much older.  All I know is that I entered into a new stage of my life when I let him come in.  All I know is that I wouldn’t want to be making these memories with anyone else.

 

I used to always be scared that if I were to have sex, he would never stick around.  I believed that he would leave and feel no need for a commitment.  As if the thought of having sex was a bargaining chip to keep him in my life.

 

I guess what I’ve learned is that if you’re going to leave, you’ll leave no matter what.  But I sure do hope you’re one of the staying kinds.

 

After having sex, I am much happier with my overall self.  Maybe it’s because you’ve seen me completely exposed, connected with me, and come away from it satisfied and still loving me.

 

But at the same time, I do want to make a few changes.  I have this new motivation and determination to make myself better.  I want to be healthy for you, in shape, and looking as good as you make me feel.

 

I know you’re not in this just for the sex, so I don’t even have that concern.  You were willing to wait until I was ready and didn’t make a big deal of it.  I also know it wouldn’t have a negative effect on our relationship if we went a bit without it.

 

I’m sorry, but I do have this fear every time we make love.  What if something goes wrong?  What if birth control doesn’t work for me, and what if the condom breaks?  I’m in college; I don’t want to be pregnant.  My family and some of my friends wouldn’t approve.  Would you stick around?  Would you still love me?

 

Remember when you told me: ‘I’ve heard girls become really attached to the guy they lose their virginity to.’  I remember I told you that I would most likely be one of those girls.

 

So tell me, is that a bad thing?  Because I feel more attached to you than before.  Does that scare you?  Because it scares me sometimes, that I’ve never loved a guy before.  But it’s one of those good kinds of scares, more like an amazement that blows my mind.  You’re one of the first things I think of when I wake up and the last thing that makes me smile before I close my eyes to sleep.  You make me so completely happy and I know that I would do anything in this world to make sure you’re safe and happy too.

 

Sex doesn’t change the relationship all that much.  But it did create a connection and our relationship isn’t suffering because of it. 

 

I confess that sex scares me, amazes me, and I love it all at the same time. 

 

And I confess that I’m sorry and ashamed that I wrote this.

 

Vashtiy.♥